Congratulations are in order!

Posted on September 26th, 2009 at 5:17 pm

i’ve been watching for the last few weeks as the Houston LAstros have tried to find a bottom.  i even went to Tuesday night’s massacre where we lost 11-2 to the Cards.  but after last night’s mauling, it is official:

THE ASTROS WILL FINISH UNDER .500 FOR 2009!!

so now the only question is, can we make a Top Ten All Time Worst Season or will it just be Top Twenty?

i want to personally thank Wal-mart McLane and Ed Wade for making such great moves these last few seasons: we couldn’t have achieved all this shittiness without decisions that gave us Cecil Cooper, Mike Hampton, and high overpriced talent like El Caballo, Anal-fissure Matsui, and Roid Ringer Tejada.

so congrats to the Houston LAstros – after 48 years trying to win the least number of games is commendable!

But thank God we’ve got Tal and his hill!

Posted on May 27th, 2009 at 2:07 pm

after trying to screw him on his contract extension in 1988 and forcing him to record his 300th win, 5000th strike out and final two no-hitters in Dallas, the Houston Astros have finally figured out what to do about Nolan Ryan:

Ryan Instills His Toughness in the Rangers

stay classy, Astros!

Everything Roger Clemens learned, he learned from Eddie Murphy’s Raw

Posted on May 12th, 2009 at 8:33 am

with the release of American Icon: The Fall of Roger Clemens and the Rise of Steroids in America’s Pastime today, Roger decided he needed to reiterate his version of the story; you know the one, it’s similar to something like this:

He got busted coming out of another woman’s house.  His woman saw him come out, knew that the woman lived there and didn’t say shit.

Wait till they got home and said:
“What the hell was you doing in that bitch’s house?”

You know what the man said?
“Wasn’t me.”

“I looked right in your face!”

“Wasn’t me.”

“Well, I’m supposed to be a fool, right?”

“Hey. Wasn’t me.”

You know what the woman said?
“Maybe it wasn’t you.”

you know what they say: ignorance is bliss!

Houston, we have a problem…several in fact!

Posted on May 8th, 2009 at 10:12 am

Richard Justice knows how to fix the Astros, just ask him.  no wait, don’t ask him, just read his blog.  check that, he’s so 21st century new media hip, just read his Tweets.

the reality is that Richard shares similarities with what is part of Houston’s problems with the Astros: he wants to act enlightened but says stuff like, “I want a bunch of young players that are thrilled to be in the big leagues. I want guys that play with passion even when they’re not playing well.”

really?  so you think that is one of the major issues with the Astros, that our boys are a bunch of lolligaggers?  the problem isn’t lack of effort – the problem is who our organization chose and how much they paid for those choices.

no problem, SportsJustice has that covered too: “We’ll sign free agents, but only cheaper free agents, maybe older free agents. Every move will be made with an eye on winning with our own kids.”

older free agents?  what, Mike Hampton ain’t old enough for you?  and every move with an eye on winning?  what, you think Ed Wade runs the place with an eye on losing?  is he coddling the guys?

i’ve mentioned it here before, but until the Astros start to run the organization using the newest tools that other smart teams use, we will always be “scrappy” underdogs…which is to say less talented also-rans.

i do fully agree with Justice that we need a Jed Hoyer-like admin in the front office, but do you really think Wal-mart McLane is going to pay for someone of that caliber?  Wal-mart likes to overpay for short-term gains.  wow, i just realized that Drayton sounds like he should work for Bear Stearns.

i’d like to end today’s missive with an aside: we’re currently 11-17 for .393.  think we could get that down around 25%?  gotta have goals, right?

Dos caras de Jesus Ortiz

Posted on May 6th, 2009 at 2:23 pm

April 14,  2009

May 5, 2009

hey Jose, i know your big claim to fame is that your fourth-cousin-once-removed or something plays in the MLB, but seriously, try to go longer than twenty-something days before violating your own premise.

and yes kids, still going to be a long, long, long season.

hey, but kudos to the Astros for planning on keeping their average age above 35!  always works out, well, right?

second verse, same as the first

Posted on April 14th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

i’ve been mostly ignoring this site since Spring Training turned out to be the half-baked turd i expected; i figured there was no need for me to ring the bell for a change in ownership – you guys are going to figure that out eventually.

well, here we are into the 2009 season: i’ve attended one game, which happened to be the only one our boys have won.  that game was pretty pathetic, with our pitching being mediocre and our hitting atrocious.  it appears that is going to be the path for weeks to come.

so what about it Houston: is it time for the tombstone?

my position hasn’t changed: until the Astros get new ownership, we are doomed to be also-rans.  you can listen to the morons at the Houston Chronicle yammer about payroll and how happy we should be, but it is not enough to just spend the money – you gotta spend it right.  we are a long way off from intelligent spending.

enjoy the season, kids!

the Houston media almost gets it right….

Posted on February 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am

Jose De Jesus Ortiz makes it appear that he related Tejada to Lugo and asked McLane a pointed question to that comparision:

Years after releasing shortstop Julio Lugo a day after he was accused of spousal abuse in a case in which Lugo ultimately was not convicted, McLane was asked if he had changed his stance on having criminals on his club.

but on his Houston Chronicle blog, De Jesus Ortiz then frames the question as such:

Here’s one of my questions: What do you tell fans who believed that you wanted your players to behave a certain way? How do you rationalize keeping a criminal essentially on your team?

if De Jesus Ortiz did in fact ask McLane about Tejada in relation to Lugo, then i salute him, for not only having the balls to make the proper comparision, but also the mental acuity to relate the two.  they are the exact same issue, which is: how does McLane defend treating one player as a pariah and another as a friend who deserves a hug?

McLane, ever the Southern Baptist, Baylor regent, probably doesn’t see a problem.  i am guessing Julio Lugo would think differently.

gonna be a great year for baseball and the Astros!

Posted on February 10th, 2009 at 2:27 pm

A-Rod: ‘I did take a banned substance’

Tejada charged with lying to Congress about steroids

gooooooooooooo MLB & LAstros!

WWEWD (What Would Ed Wade Do?)?

Posted on January 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm

step right up folks, read all about it: Ed Wade is going to show his vast baseball knowledge to us via explaining waivers.

my favorite part?

Wade has director of research and analysis Charlie Norton scouring the electronic waiver bulletin on a daily basis. If he sees a player who might help the Astros, the legwork begins.

wow – so part of his Charlie Norton’s job description is to log onto the MLB waiver board and check the postings?  guess that is what a BA in Psychology from Southern Illinois University gets you.

so the Astros are on the forefront of sabermetrics, right?

“We drill it into our pro scouts to pay attention to what they’re seeing in the field,” Wade said. “The process we follow primarily is when a bulletin arrives we check the names against our pro scouting reports and if it looks like one or more of our scouts has a definite interest in the player then we call the scout directly and ask him … what he thinks of the player.

oh well, that wouldn’t have been useful either.

go 2009 Astros!

In other news, Julio Lugo is no longer with the team.

Posted on January 16th, 2009 at 10:04 am

In an abrupt about-face, Wal-mart McLane now says Liar Clemens is no longer allowed to act like part of the Houston Astros’ staff.

Don’t miss the sunshine in that Chronicle story: payroll is up $10 million for 2009!  $10 million!

In related news, Wal-mart McLane has said he will stop using gold-leaf toilet paper in his executive suite.  Gotta make cuts so that all you ungrateful fans can enjoy that extra $10 mil for payroll.